I need a cigarette.

tonight... Better yet today has kind of sucked. I really hate living here. I hate all the people here too. I don't know what to do anymore honestly. I feel stuck. I can't even be comfortable to go to sleep at night. There's people always waking us up 24 hours out of the damn day. No on ever leaves him alone. it's fucking strangling. I wish I had a bed any fucking where. Somewhere no one can ruin my high or wake me up when I'm about to fall asleep, or eat my fucking food... 

Fuck man I need a cigarette so badly. I want to cry. I want to fucking cry.

the strongest element.

gold ships, rogue waves

fighting storms while being brave.

gentle kisses and unwanted goodbyes,

not a single ray of sunlight in the gray skies.

drifting along, water for days,

empty souls with frowning fades.

teasing lifeboats, tossing and flipping

swallowing lives with no remorse.

a twisted heart, only vengeance left.

dark winds roar, down below,

only silence roams beneath the surface,

down into the deep she goes.

girl vs boy

does hair define gender?

maybe it's hair combined with a slim body...

by that I mean small boobs.

because since cutting my hair down to my scalp (which I understand when it's THAT short) but even after it's grown down to my neck some people still think I am a guy.

they call me man, dude, sir, bro, guy, buddy....

IM A GIRL DAMMIT!!

please come home.

you said you'd never leave me,

but here I am all alone.

counting days go by and praying,

wishing and even day dreaming

hoping for one more chance

to live a dream I once had,

holding you in my hands.

touching your face and lips with mine

all and all spending all our time.

with you gone nothing makes sense

my feet drag, going through daily motions until it ends.

my mind wanders past the clouds,

sighing; waiting for the day you show up again

so my hoping and dreaming for it,

all come to an end.

you left me.

i know you said you would never leave me

but I can't help but feel like you left.

left me behind.

even though when I went to do the same thing two years ago, you asked me to come back and I did.

I told you over and over the past two years that we could go anywhere.

as long as we were together it didn't matter to me.

I would follow you to the moon and back.

I was waiting for you to be ready.

but now you left me behind.

all alone.

I don't want to be alone.

why did you leave me?

why?

I said I would go with you.

all this time if I had known...

maybe I would have stayed in Texas.

maybe I wouldn't have come back here.

maybe.

nightmares.

I only care about myself.

apparently.

I am so tired of my life honestly.

I am just tired.

of being unhappy.

of trying to make him happy.

of trying to be what we used to be.

waves from the sea mix together with big dreams.

an apocalypse comes to tear them away.

drifting in a life raft,

praying to make it out alive.

dark clouds and no moon.

disaster all around.

only water for miles and miles,

there is no solid ground.

try floating on water

sink.

try floating on air.

dreams don't become reality, my dear.

only nightmares.

gasping for breath,

trying so hard to breathe.

I want us to be happy,

but we're under water now.

torn away by the currents

flailing around to find you

but you're gone.

lost to sea,

for all of eternity.

procrastination.

tossing and turning

fidgeting and organizing

up and down

around and around we go.

flying in circles

formating construction.

ten years!

nothing finished!

ten years and still trying.

writing and writing it flows.

I've got enough by now

1, 2, 3

98, 99, 100!

let them see!

I need to be finished by now.

demolish and start over.

stop. red lights.

hit the brakes.

it's past midnight

still dancing, lost in time.

wishing, wanting and waiting for progress to be mine.

i don't know what to do anymore.

i am so frustrated and over my life.

i hate everything in it.

i can’t think.

i can’t breathe.

i don’t know what to do anymore...

i feel like i’m tired of trying and i haven’t even been trying.

i gave up on my life years ago...

here we are.

emotions so strong that they are numb.

i don’t want to feel them.

all they do is give me anxiety like no other...

everyone makes me so uncomfortable.

i can tell everyone judges me and talks shit behind my back.

i can’t even function right anymore.

i don’t know what to do.

i don’t know what to do.

i don’t know what the fuck to do anymore!

please god help me.

7:15pm

"how was your day?"

the sun danced across the line that breaks the sky from land.

mockingly laughing at my shame.

the 'tick' bellowed in my ear drums followed immediately by a 'toc'.

the clock never slowed down, not for one second.

the moon was the last to arrive, making its

way through the dusk sky from the final beams of light shining indirectly from the absent rays of the sun.

7:15pm

good evening never spoke so loudly.

like the lingering moment after a hard slap to your face.

the moment right after the initial shock settles in and pain bursts through with a throbbing grip engulfing you in its entirety.

i slept all day again.

the entire day is over.

i bask in the last few seconds of september 4th, 2020 a day i missed and will never see.

like its coexisting september 3rd, 2020 a day also lost to wasteful sleep.

i felt robbed of two days of my life. 

two days i could never get back.

the last of the light lingered under a blanket of deep dark nothingness before it disappeared on that day forever.

what a waste.

september 5th, i will not refuse your presence in my eyes. 

i will bathe in your sunlight and lie on the clouds.

tears from above and beyond.

im lost.

A lost soul wandering aimlessly.

Not knowing what to do or where to go.

Not knowing who to trust or confide in.

Lost in a billion stars that cover the night sky.

Lost in the big black deep outer space trying hard to get back.

Trying desperately to get back.

Trying to get back (to you)

"I WANT TO I WANT TO," she screams with all her breath.

No one hears her cries.

Her voice trailed off into the darkness never to be seen.

tag, you're it.

once upon the midnight sky,

a nightmare floated about,

dropping lower and lower,

right into her eyelids.

she tossed and turned and screamed and cried.

but she never opened her big beautiful brown eyes.

The nightmare grew and became her reality.

She lives it day to day, night to night, dusk to dusk.

Once upon the midnight hour, a spark in the sky makes a wish come true.

But only sometimes does the wish get lost and someone else's dreams become your reality. 

the battle of the stars.

it takes 30,000 years for the light of the stars to reach us.

30,000 years for the burning balls of gas to shine their light upon the earth.

in 30,000 years the wish you make on the shooting star to come true.

30,000 years the stars spend fighting to get to our presense.

one step in the right direction.

three steps to the right, one step to the left, four steps backwards. repeat.

and always remember... it's the second star to the left and straight on til morning...

breathe.

the sun loved the moon so much he died every night to let her breathe.

depression is built up anger inside of us that we repress and push deep down so far inside of us, that we forget why we are angry and become sad, but we forget why.

we spend years fighting this sadness, but it is a battle of the unknown.

we breathe in the bad, and hold on so tight we forget that there is hope. hope underneath all the repressed anger that cannot get out. 

you cannot fight the unknown, but you need to simply let it go and let the hope fly free.

all you have to do is simply breathe in the good and release the bad.

there is hope, just breathe.

it's all about you.

you wanted this, you asked for it.

this is all about you.

clingy, obsessive.

confused.

this describes you.

all you want is me, but i told you i don't want you.

i love you as a friend, but not as a lover.

vibe, vibe, there isn't one.

you're not my lover.

i enjoy your company, it's fun to hang out... but lately you've been choking me with i love you's and i cannot breathe.

i'm dying, i'm dying!

let me free, leave me be.

but you hold on tighter, squeezing your fingers around my throat.

i'm turning purple & blue.

trapped under your hands trying to get free.

i wish i did love you, i feel bad for you.

you're giving me your all, but i don't want to be yours.

i want to be mine. i want to find me.

who am i?

i don't know because you won't let me see.

butterflies & bees.

floating on air.
floating through life.
when will it end?
when will i be happy?

negative energy surrounds this place.
i feel it when i get near.
sharp pains enter my skin,
all over my body.
piercing my heart until i scream,
but there's no sound.
complete silence.
deafening silence.
consumed by all the energy.

floating through life, piercing pains of silence.
float.
sting.
float.
sting.

butterflies & bees.
it's all because of the butterflies & the bees.